Crawling back again…

Here I am. 4 months later. 4 months of eating whatever, not weighing myself, sporadically going to the gym… but what difference did the gym really make if I was eating like crap? I binged on a whole container of croissants the other night. I ate a whole bag of potato chips for breakfast yesterday morning. This morning a bought a half dozen donuts and ate 2 on the drive home. I had to leave them in the car so I wouldn’t eat any more, and all I can think about is how they’re under my front seat and I can go get them if I want to.

I told myself I didn’t need to go to the gym today because  I was having pizza for dinner tonight. What kind of logic is that? Sometimes I wonder what my rock bottom will be. If there will be one. I’m scared of going to the doctor because I don’t take care of my body and I’m scared they’re going to tell me that I’m going to die. Shouldn’t that make me want to change my ways and be healthier, see a doctor so they can help me? I’m scared to go to the dentist because I fear they’ll tell me my teeth are rotten and they all need to be pulled out. When I’m in a public place I have anxiety I’m going to get shot or blown up. When I see couples together I fear that I’m going to die alone and pathetic and have no one to talk to but my rabbit. Sometimes I think all my friends hate me. Sometimes I think everyone I know talks about me behind my back.

Why can’t anyone see I just want someone to help me escape this painful spiral I always find myself trapped in?


The Aftermath

The past 2 days I are and drank whatever I wanted. Spiked seltzer, wine, jello shots, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, pasta salad, potato salad, cookies, cheetos, cheese, crackers, hummus, cake… and I feel like it. I didn’t drink enough water. I didn’t get my steps in… and I feel like it. Every time this happens to me I try to burn into my brain how it feels the day after eating off track for a bit, the way it feels when I step on the scale and its up 6 pounds. The way it feels when I’m tired, and sluggish and not at all in the mindset to work out, when that’s exactly what my body needs.

I am trying my hardest to get back on track today. Some days are harder than others.

New Month; New Goals

My goals for last month were this:

  1. Work out 4 days per week. I met this goal 100 %
  2. Drink 96 oz of water per day. I met this goal 100%
  3. 20 weight watcher blue dots. I met this goal 100%, with a combination of blue dots and days following their Simply Filling program.
  4. I did not stick to 1 off track day per week, but I used Fit Point, points that I earned for exercise, to cover my extra indulgences.
  5. My last goal was to not binge this month. I binged twice…

I have binged on food for a very long time. My memories of binging are somewhat foggy and scattered. But I can remember my mother making biscuits and butter for a Valentine’s Day party at my school. I had the leftovers in my backpack coming home from school. I sunk down in my seat on the bus and shoved them in my mouth. I barely had time to chew. I broke off pieces and scraped off gobs of butter from the stick I had with me. I remember going to friend’s birthday parties and being aware that I was eating more than anyone else. That while other girls wanted to run around and play games, I wanted to sit next to the Jax cheese curls. Before my mother got home from work I would  make grilled cheese sandwiches 30 minutes before dinner. I would make pasta for myself, trying to pour a little out of each open box in the cabinet so she wouldn’t know I had any. I would his candy wrappers in the trash. When I got my driver’s license, I would drive to the store after school and buy microwave mac and cheese and instant mashed potatoes. I would race home to eat them all in record time before my mom came home. In my twenties, I would view a day off as a day to eat. I would go to the store and buy a whole pan of cornbread, mashed potatoes, rolls and butter, cookies, velveta… and eat it all. Some days I would order cheetos and chocolate frosting from Amazon and eat them alone in my room. I never felt good after. I felt tired, and sluggish and foggy. I usually fell asleep. Sometimes I wonder if I was sleeping or I had passed out because my blood sugar sky rocketed so fast. I liked feeling limitless. I liked feeling like I could eat whatever I wanted, how much I wanted. I thought that gave me control, but really I was giving the control to the cookies and frosting and potatoes.

This morning I woke up, had a smoothie for breakfast, went to the gym, wandered around Target, came home, ate a normally portioned lunch, read my book, watched a movie, ate my dinner, and read my book some more before writing this blog post. Previous Saturdays would have gone like this- wake up, make 12 pancakes and eat them covered in butter and syrup, watch netflix, wander into the kitchen to see what else I could eat, binge on cheese and crackers, watch more Netflix, eat a while box of mac and cheese, watch Netflix, eat ice cream and cookies, then… feel embarrassed, ashamed, helpless, powerless, disappointed in myself, disgusted with myself.

I am trying so hard to live my life in a way that I feel balanced, in control, powerful, and fierce. I am taking it one day at a time. Today, I succeeded.

My new goals are these:

  1. 120 oz of water per day
  2.  exercise 5 days per week
  3. complete 2 weeks of Weight Watchers Simple Filling
  4. 7,00 steps per day

June Week 1

This week I stayed the same weight as last week. I earned my blue dot every day except Sunday of this week, but a couple days towards the end I was feeling so snarky and used over my daily target, ending up at 32, 36, and 37 smart points for the day instead of my target of 30. I definitely think this could have attributed to my plateau this week, but I’m glad it’s not a gain!

As far as my goals for the month I am doing well. One goal was to exercise 4 days per week. This week I exercised 6 days, some days even exercising twice a day in the form of walking at work and then riding my bike when I got home. I also tried Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred workout DVD and was beet red and dripping sweat by the end. I was sore for 3 days. It was definitely a good workout but I need to mentally work myself up to doing it. My goal is to try this once a week, I think that’s an attainable goal.

My second goal for the month was to drink 96oz of water per day which I have been doing. For my third goal, I wanted to have 20 blue dots by the end of the month. So far I have earned 8. This week though I am trying a different Weight Watchers plan. I am switching from tracking to simply filling. On simply filling there is a list of foods you can eat that are no points, and then you get weekly points to cover anything outside of the food list. On that plan, you don’t earn blue dots, you just get a blue check mark at the end of the week if you stay on plan. Because of this, I’m going to subtract 7 blue dots from my original goal. So as of now my new goal is 13 blue dots, and 1 week on point with simply filling. I’m not sure if I will stick with it forever, just going to try once and see how it goes!

My last 2 goals were 1 no track day a week, which I did last week, and didn’t dip into my weeklies, though I did use some fit points, which I allowed for in my goals. And my final goal was no bingeing, which I am on track with as well. Feeling good!

Send Me On My Way

I am down another 4 pounds this morning! I am seriously ecstatic. I didn’t lose anything last week despite having a good tracking week. I attribute this to last minute going out for too much Chinese food and too much wine the night before weigh in day. I think this 4 pound loss is a combination of tracking, exercising, drinking water, and getting rid of bloat from last Friday.

Seeing results is definitely super motivating, so this morning I meal planned my whole week! Even accounted for drinks with a friend on Tuesday night! My weekends are what usually gets me into trouble, and this weekend and next I am working so that should be good for the scale.

This week I’ve exercised 4 days, drink my 96oz of water every day, and so far earned 3 blue dots! I am on track with all of my goals and feeling good!

End of May check in

I had set 4 goals for myself in May which were:

  1. Exersize 5 days per week
  2. Drink 96oz of water per day
  3. Have 1 day per week that I didn’t track food, in exchange for using no weekly WW points throughout the week
  4. Earn 22 blue dots for the month (staying within my daily points range, give or take 5 points

I did not meet any of my goals.

As someone who exercised 0 days per week until fairly recently, jumping to 5 days of exercise per week was very ambitious of me. A non-scale victory I had in the exercise department was simply making an effort to be active. I am a nanny and have tried my very best to take a 30 minute walk with my little munchkin each day that our schedule and the weather allows. I walked to and from the library, and the playground on 3 different occasions this month, which I never could have dreamed of doing before. I would be anxious that I would get too hot and sweaty and out of breath. I was petrified of that distance, it seemed huge to me. It doesn’t anymore. Next month, my goal is to work out 4 days per week. If I meet this goal every week, I’ll up it to 5 for July.

I was very conscious about drinking water this month. It makes a real difference in how hungry I feel, how energetic I feel, and therefore has a direct relation to how much weight I lose. The days I did not meet my fluid goal were days that I binged, or I didn’t track at all. I need to be aware of my water intake even on pre-planned non track days. And another June goal is NO BINGING.

In regards to my non track day, I will still have a non track day each week. I need the mental break from feeling like I have to be in control of every single crumb that enters my body. Doing this in addition to not using any weekly smart points made me feel restricted the rest of the week. My solution is to use my fit points in lieu of my weekly points. My weekly points will remain untouched, however, fit points are points I earn for doing physical activity, so I am comfortable using those if I feel like I need to go over my 30 smart points per day during the week.

I had a 5 pound weight loss this month after 2 gains the end of April and beginning of May so I am ready to see what June will bring.

Have your cake… but don’t eat it?

“Taste everything, eat nothing”. I’m not sure where I heard this quote, but I am sure this phrase isn’t meant to be taken literally, you do have to eat to survive. It is meant for certain indulgences.

Tonight I went to a friend’s Confirmation, and there was a gathering after. There were finger sandwiches, meatballs, cheese and crackers, brownies, calzone, and one of my favorites… caramelized onion and feta bites from Trader Joe’s, and a grand finale of red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting and ice cream. Another one of my favorite things.

2 months ago I would have parked myself at the food table, eaten one of everything, then went back for another of everything, finishing off with a big piece of cake and ice cream. My stomach would have hurt. I would have been embarrassed and ashamed and I probably would have went home and cried. Tonight, I had 4 crackers, 2 pieces of cheese, 2 small squares of calzone and 1 caramelized onion and feta bite before walking away from the food table and playing with my friend’s daughter on the couch. When it came time for cake I still did eat my whole piece… oops.

My point is this, I had a taste of cheese and crackers, calzone, and the feta bite. I didn’t really eat any of it. Should I have tasted the cake off my mom’s plate and not cut a slice for myself? Probably. But baby steps. Baby steps…

Still trucking along.

When I stepped on the scale yesterday, I was nervous. The previous 2 weeks I had seen a gain on the scale BUT I had also not reliably been tracking food or drinking water. I had not been exercising and I had a couple of binges. Saturday morning when I woke up, I made my way to the bathroom to pee, trying to push every last ounce out of myself and then I stepped on the scale. I had dropped a whopping 5 pounds from the week before.

Thinking back on my previous 2 weeks, I know this loss was so big because I had been over eating and under drinking. I was bloated big time. By stepping up my game in the water department as well as being more conscious of what I eat, I dropped that weight. A key part for me is to eat more vegetables. The weight from the previous 2 weeks apparently were not pounds that were going to stick with me but pounds waiting to be shed when I got back on track again.

As I have mentioned before, I am on Weight Watchers. On Weight Watchers I get 30 smart points worth of food per day. This is my goal. However, Weight Watchers understands that life happens, so I earn a blue dot on my monthly calendar if I hit anywhere between 27 smart points and 37 smart points per day. In other words, Weight Watchers gives you a 10 point window.

Yesterday I went to a birthday party. There was pasta and meatballs and sausage and rolls and butter and cheese and cake and brownies. I ate it all. I had a drink. Plus I had avocado toast for breakfast. I tracked everything out and while I was way over my points goal for the day, meaning I did not earn my blue dot, I was still within my weekly range. Weekly points are an extra amount of smart points, for me 42,  that you can use whenever you want throughout the week. I obviously chose to use a chunk for this party. In the past I have allotted myself one day per week that I don’t count points at all, and the rest of the week I stay within my 30 points per day, pretending the weeklies don’t exist any more because I have assuringly used them on my no track day. Some weeks I know there will be a couple of days I’ll be a little outside the blue dot range so I chose to count the points, and calculate out the weeklies.

Today, I went out for lunch with my aunt for Chinese food. I had shrimp and veggies in garlic sauce with brown rice. I had a small bowl of wonton soup plus half a spring roll (I actually cut it in half and took the rest home, this is a huge NSV for me), and 2 slices of scallion pancake. Could I have stuck to 1 piece of scallion pancake or none at all? Sure thing. But I wanted it and I tracked it. Moving on. Then we went on a long walk around a botanical garden and spent the afternoon gazing at flowers and trees and birds. We talked and laughed and enjoyed the sunshine. On the way home, I declined stopping for ice cream. We stopped at my mom’s house and she was making cheeseburgers and tortellini salad for dinner, with corn on the cob. I had my burger without a bun. I passed on the corn. I did take her up on the offer of having some wine though. I finished my day tapping into weeklies again and while I am at -3 weekly points, I had a lot of non scale victories this weekend that I am choosing to celebrate.

Along with only eating half the spring roll today, I didn’t finish my cake at the birthday party yesterday, I only had one drink at the party, I said no to ice cream, I ordered brown rice with lunch instead of fried, I didn’t eat until my stomach hurt, I got shrimp and veggies instead of fried General Tso’s chicken, I passed on a burger bun, I tracked it all, I was active on Saturday and Sunday, I drank my water. This is progress. This is a journey. This is finding balance.

Fall down 7 times… stand up 8

This seems to be my motto in my weight loss journey this far. Since joining Weight Watchers at the end of November, there have been days and weeks and even months that I didn’t track my eating. BUT I always came back.

I have struggled with my weight for me entire life. I was always the chubby kid, always picked last for dodgeball teams. My heart raced whenever it was gym day in school because I knew I would be embarrassed. I would get red and hot and sweaty before all the other kids. My thighs would chafe. My belly would jiggle. I was so aware of myself in comparison to all the other kids. I remember bringing heart shaped biscuits to school for Valentine’s Day. I shoved 4 of them into my mouth while I was on the bus and chewed as fast as I could. I looked forward to birthday parties because there would be unlimited cheese curls. When I got my driver’s license I would drive to the grocery store to buy food and binge before my mom got home.

Then I went to college. Sometimes I stopped eating carbs. Sometimes I went to the gym. Sometimes I drank my calories for the day in wine. Some days I ate half a pizza after I got off the elliptical. Some days I didn’t eat at all. I have never had a healthy relationship with food.

I have had months of extreme dieting followed by months of extreme binging. Since joining Weight Watchers, I have had the most “normal” relationship with food that I have for my whole life. I tracked my food 21 days in April. I lost 4 pounds and gained 4 pounds. I fell “off the wagon” for a bit going into May but I’m here again. Standing up again. Giving myself a chance again. Believing that I can again.

I’m baaack…

This blog is to keep me accountable. It is going to be an ongoing story of my journey with weight loss. To be authentic, I need to post about the bad days, as well as the good days.

I had a bad week. The last day that I tracked was February 24th. So I guess that makes it a bad week, plus 2 days.

February 18th was a planned non track day. I made healthy choices along with some not so healthy ones. I was visiting my best friend and I drank beer and wine and relaxed. I had a salad with dinner and pizza after my wine. I felt okay about it because I was going to get back on track the next day. But the next day I had a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich on a bagel for breakfast. I planned on just having a veggie stir fry for dinner to balance it out but my neighbor came over with wine and tortilla chips. My mom made pasta for dinner. I had too much wine, a bowl of pasta with butter and cheese, and shoveled tortilla chips and tzatziki into my mouth record speed. I went to bed felling bad that I had eaten off track 2 days in a row. Why couldn’t I just say no thank you to the wine? Or have a glass and stop there?

I started back on Monday. I planned out my day. My neighbor made peanut butter chocolate chips cookies, and I had one. I tracked it, and ended the day one smart point over my daily goal. I didn’t feel bad about it.

The next night, my neighbor came over with Peeps Oreos. I looked up the points and factored one into my day. I would end within my point range and I was proud that I made it happen. Then I ate 3 cookies, and ended the day 4 points over goal.

Wednesday was on track. I ate vegetables. I drank water. I tracked Thursday perfectly. I didn’t binge while I was babysitting on Friday, which is usually when I end up raiding the family’s pantry and fridge and feeling embarrassed and huge and gross afterwords. I weighed in on Saturday morning and was down another pound, something I was hugely proud of because of my weekend before. I was proud, but couldn’t help to think what my loss would have been if I had stayed on track on Sunday. I was more active that week than I had been, probably ever. I made an effort to hit my active minute and step goals on my Fitbit every day. I went for walks. I enjoyed the beautiful weather. I sweat. I drank more water.If only I had eaten that veggie stir fry for dinner on Sunday, I could have lost another pound.

Then the weekend happened again. I planned to not track on Saturday. I had a light breakfast, and then went to visit another friend where there was tequila, and pita chips and hummus and popcorn. We had tacos for dinner. We got chips and queso. I had a coronarita. Who needs a beer in a margarita? Apparently me. I planned for that day, and thought that when we went out to breakfast I would get an egg white omelette with veggies. I didn’t. I had a breakfast burrito with home fries. I are almost the whole thing and felt so full that I was uncomfortable. When I got home, I went to a birthday party. I wasn’t going to drink. I was going to pick at the appetizers and load up on the salad at dinner. I drank a bottle of wine, are 2 pieces of pizza, a cupcake, a brownie, buffalo chicken dip, chips and onion dip, stuffed mushroom, shrimp delights. I went home a cried.

I did track the next day, technically.  I was feeling guilty and ashamed because of my off track weekends, but stayed on track for most of Monday. I had a vita top for breakfast, lean cuisine for lunch, a cheese stick and lentil chips for a snack. I ate 2 mini croissants in the afternoon at work but I tracked them, and was going to make zucchini, corn chowder for dinner. Instead, I ate a box of Russel Stover chocolates. This is where I gave up on the week. I was discouraged with myself, wondering why I was so stupid to think that I could stick with this plan. I ate a cheese steak sub, drank wine in the middle of the week, had chocolate mousse, went out for tacos again, ordered pizza and potato skins, went out for Thai food. I’m going out for hibachi tonight. I plan to get back on track tomorrow. I didn’t weigh myself yesterday.

After 7 days in a row off track I feel ready to start again. I know that my weakness is the weekend, and being around my friends. That’s hard for me because I want to be with them, and it’s difficult to order a salad and drink water when they’re having tacos and pad thai and drinking wine and beer. Or when I’m at their house and they order take out pizza or subs. I was doing well with staying active so I need to get back on track with that. The warmer weather and later sunsets are perfect for after work walks.

I can do this.

I will do this.

It is a marathon, not a sprint.

I will fall sometimes.

I always need to get back up. I am worth it, I can do it.